how. i hate making decisions like these. it's like testing my loyalties. but i really really really want to go.

will you all hate me?





and i really should be studying, now.

All the best, people. (:

today as i was walking to the market with my mum, i was greeted with a very pleasant sight.

maybe i should have seen it coming; yesterday was the last day of the seventh month. well im not sure if it constitutes being litter, but to me it does. piles and clumps of ashes, unburnt incense paper, those fagao and whatnot, all littered along the walkway, grass patches, ontop of drains. everywhere. it looked as if they just dropped there from the sky, or something. like almost evenly spread out. the first area i came across was the block right behind mine. but then we walked on, and the next precinct(?) had that too. it was even neater: a whole row of piles of ashes along the walkway outside the void deck. now i think about it it reminds me of when i played runescape and built fires in a row to cook chicken and make pies. i wanted to take a photo, but i didnt have my camera or my phone with me.

my mum was saying, the poor cleaner, having to clean up all this mess. usually they're malay, and what with tomorrow being hari raya, its not a very nice thing. they're really going to have a hard time cleaning all that up. those on the metal grilles of drains are the worst; if you sweep them they'll all fall IN to the drain. and now its raining heavily, i dont even want to imagine what's going to happen to all that ash.

its just sad. are we not supposed to clean up after our own mess?

kind of reminds me of what i read in a newspaper article, about sharing space in singapore. an mp said that what makes neighbours unhappy is ash entering their home – not who burns the incense. i agree with that. its annoying when big pieces of ash come entering my window (i dont know how they do; i live quite high up i didnt know ash could fly that high) and once i try to pick it up it disintegrates all over my notes.


anyway. maf later! im going to see ***** so happy!! :D

when i looked at my p1-p4 photos in p6, i laughed at myself, wondering how did i ever look like that.
when i looked at my p6 photo when i was in secondary school, i laughed some more.
when i looked at my sec 2 photo when i was in j1, i wondered how we could look so adorable, and change so much.
when i look at my photos from just under/over a year ago, i realise that im/we're changing faster than i can ever imagine. i dont recognise myself. i cant believe i was like that/we were like that. do we age more as we grow older? how do we change so much. its only been a year. yet everybody seems different.

i think all our experiences make us grow. be they good, or bad, they do, and i guess in a sense im grateful for it. sometimes harsh reality just needs to set in, so that we grow and learn and overcome and become a stronger person.


some memories i want to keep forever and never forget. some i want to forget so so much, but they come back to me in various ways.

does anyone have adobe premiere elements?

i think too much for my own good.

and i forget so many things that i want to remember. this is sad.

the past two days have been insane. okay not really, just really really draining. from 8am till about 5pm full almost-continuous academic osmosis or whateveryoucallit. and then rushing out tutorials and stuff at home like some mad person short of time. i foresee this continuing throughout the next few weeks. i feel that its good, to a certain extent, but it really doesnt leave me room to carry out my own revision properly.


SIX BOOKLETS OF PHYSICS, TAKE THAT. how the heck do you finish that, seriously? even though they're pretty.


okay i must go do gp aq and math tutorial and econs tutorial now, yay!

what's wrong with wearing long skirts?

seemingly adaptable. but actually, not really.
just surviving, but really longing for the past.
the past that seems to be a blur even now.


im really really sorry for all the mean and horrible things ive said about you. this has been a long time in coming, and its sort of been just hitting at me gradually over all this while. a really slow, gradual change, that when i realised it it was like hit to my head. its really true, you cant judge someone and ostracise(?)/speak bad about them when you really REALLY know nothing at all. its just so superficial i feel like slapping myself. true, the person may be a little weird or say, not conventional or 'normal' or as sensitive, but seriously, whats so bad about that? being able to survive well and excel just proves us all wrong. im no freaking better. im worse.


somehow i just dont feel weird going home early nowadays. apparently its weird that i dont hang out and sat back in school anymore. after staying back almost everyday for the last few terms, the nights of coming home just to bathe and sleep and then go to school again are all over. it almost seems like a retreat, into my haven/shell. i dont hang around people anymore. maybe being sociable was like a thing of the past. i dont even know how i became like this. it just happened. (OMG that's a line from S+S!)

anyhow, im really going to start mugging. there's no use blaming it on a change in environment or not being intellectually stimulated, i need to stimulate myself! i am the photon! LIGHT FTW.

at least i know that if all else fails i can set up my own bakery shop and sell cream puffs. if someone provides me the capital first though.

awkwardness is hard to deal with, eh? when it first starts i tend to just ignore everything and be emotionless. then i think, (kind of recently) since we're all going to leave and not see each other again (probably) so yeah its okay. but im generally a ifyousmileatmeiwillsmileatyou kind of person, being innately friendly and all, you cant expect me to stare coldly back right? i just cant.

sometimes what i appear to be on the outside doesnt accurately show my inside. i just find it hard to be.

leaving is inevitable, but i guess its the memories that count. as with all the friends ive left behind since p3, then p6, and sec 2?4?. sorry my life in kindergarten and before is really beyond me, with only memories of pink bowls of greenbeansoup during breaks. somehow i dont remember any academic lessons? ayyy. ><.


there's recently been a huge concentration of scholarship/university fairs in this period of time. that, coupled with blocktest grades, has been nudging me to work harder and really get down to being a proper student, really. havent really been one since entering jc.

am thinking if i should consider going overseas. that is, if i can make it at all.


i like how condensation occurs. i noticed it on the glass lid the other day i was draining prunella (夏枯草) and chrysanthemum from a huge pot of tea my mum boiled. and then just, on my glass of milk. it sort of starts out as little little dots. or circles. all over. that grow bigger and bigger(or more of join together), forming geometrical shapes. i like this phase. it sort of looks like the cracked plastic thingie in feli's pink heart. then eventually become too big and they slide down.

am dead tired. though happy and content. even though i didnt really do much work today except read physics notes at national library. i guess after today im convinced that i can really still touch theatre even if i go to uni and take a course and study and all. cos i met someone who's in uni studying med and he's cool and doesnt watch football or game and says he spends his free time doing this. (: although it isnt pure stage technical lighting or whatever, i think doing foh and helping out is still okay. if my parents will let me, i want to be like that too.

doing strike is like exercise haha. moving stuff around, and at ttp just going up and down that staircase moving stuff. sweated like crazy and for the first time in very long felt my sweat on my hair. =O.

wrap up party tomorrow! after that its back to school. and catching up on notes and tutorials. ):

no regrets. even though its a blow to hear it now, and think about all that could have happened, there's no turning back and im here now and its all over. just hurts to think, and see my juniors have it all, but its okay, i tell myself now what i told myself then, that the choice i made was right, and maybe like gmhots said, something might have turned out different if i made a different decision. so im over it.


i think now phd will really set in, what with syf being over, there'll really be nothing to do really and live for and stay back for. dont know what to say.

i screwed up syf. i know you all think its nothing and everyone's been comforting me and telling me its okay and it doesnt matter, but it does. no matter how small or whatever its definitely going to affect the whole performance and eventually the score. im so sorry. i dont know how forgot but i just did its like a stupid silly mistake that i made during my first lights duty in sec one doing choral and drama night. i could almost hear mr tang scream into my ears, like a horrible reminder of what i just did.

i guess the only comforting thing is that the other schools' plays were all weird? at least in my/our opinion. their styles were all fiercely similar, and ours was prolly like some sore thumb. but comeon, you have to agree that ours wasnt as lame as theirs. but in the end its what the judges want/like. and to me, all that matters is that we know we've put in our all, working for two weeks right after huangcheng to get syf into shape, making an entirely new boat from scratch the day before syf, helping everyone out and almost everyone becoming daoju people. it's been fun, fulfilling, and everything i could ask and more. thank you all.

at least there's still tianleng strike/bumpout, 我们的歌大家唱, 小黄城 and dancenight to look forward to. better than nothing at all. otherwise school would really seem like a drag.


my hair doesnt take two hours to dry anymore. so yay.

i've been putting off writing this because i know that whatever i write will never be able to fully and accurately express myself, but im writing it anyway, because if not i never will.

it has been an experience i will truly never forget. it will remain etched in my mind, not like that of last year, that still seems like random pieces of memories from here and there, with nothing specific and complete. even though this year wasnt as great as i would have wanted it to be, and prolly didnt go as well as last year, i tell myself at least its not worse. juniors, on the whole, were great. seniors better. they helped alot. thank you so much, all of you! i dont know how i would have survived without you all.

more specifically, the vt experience. all i can say is. wow. touching design at its very core, learning every single thing. is just so amazing. it really made me want to do theatre. i want to wear cans all day and call channels. i want to know channels at the back of my head. i want to see a set light up in front of my eyes. i want to play with scrollers. and gobos. i want to play with dry ice. there are so so many fun things i want to do. and experience and live all over again.

okay aside from emoing about that. thankyous to people!
baihui! your animation ROCKED. to rachel too haha. you could hear the WOW from the audience LOL.
kevin! thank you so much for handling all the money and stuff. i want my money back RAWRR.
hueyjeen! haha practicals guy. thanks for going out randomly to buy batteries and whatnot. and being enthu and helping out with all the pracs. really appreciate it. ((:
j1s! for piaing all the pracs out. and haha you all did a great job op-ing! even though there were screwups but generally fine i guess and whats important is you LEARN.
miao! for drawing and redrawing stage designs and clarifying all sorts of things with me so that i can work and do my design haha. xinkunile!
chenxi and yijing! for thinking of ideas with me and being understanding when i cant give you your lights.
yisheng, for calling almost every cue right. (:
norine! control room ftw! for being supportive and also doing your own work of finding imba sounds! :D
alvin, for knowing what you want, sometimes.
yiren, for being a crazy and noob sm. xD
guzheng, for giving in to my lights and adjusting the set after we found out the vt stage was 2 metres wider than we thought it was. =O
jason, for letting me poke and kick him randomly, to destress or just for fun.
amanda, for being there. (:
DAOJU FLATS PEOPLE!! you guys ROCKED. every flat was in place and the silhouette lights hit PERFECTLY. and scene 6 too! was just awesome. ((:
7 DAOJU people who helped preset and take away the silhouette lighting. thankyou all. i know you guys practiced alot and working with the lights and bulky cable was hard, so many thanks!
DRYICE SPAMMAGE. haha my favourite lx cue since conceptualisation appeared and materialised together with all the haze and dryice and it looked great and people thought it was great so YAY. andand swat team ftw!

okay and basically almost everyone la. who have encouraged me and helped me when i was down and emo and thought i was seriously screwed. for understanding when i was snappish and pissed off. especially after first day. but after second day things really started looking up by a little, and everything went uphill from there. all i can say is. the first show was truly almost a miracle. and the last was the best.

and wangmeng <3! ahhhhhh he's taught me SO SO MUCH i cant even begin to say it all. and he is so so COOL. he really helped ALOT. and i know that he's doing this because he really wants to. ahhhhhh wangmeng<333! )):

and now everything's really over, and if not for syf i think i would really die. from not seeing everyone and not having anything to do. havent really gotten into catching up with all the work i've missed out. just a little. dont have the motivation to do so. not yet. even though teachers are pushing. for now, just worrying about elections and all. and waiting for 小黄城.

加油 everyone!

bye, many-eyed smiley.

i will forget you and stop thinking too much. funny how im sort of the same situation but seriously i have no reason to be in mine. i need to mug, really badly. sometimes i envy those who really have nothing on and can just spend the whole day mugging. being productive. today was the only day i had in this week that i could. all else are filled with stuff. i dont know whether to be happy or sad.


had mugging date today! <3. i miss those times we went to yoshi together to mug for eoys and all. i actually felt productive today. giraffe friends! (:

today was really tiring. school, breaks at talentime booth, meeting gen and seniors, going off for huangcheng and talentime rehearsal and oscillating between. i didnt even realise i was hungry because i hadnt eaten lunch till people mentioned dinner. and there was no dinner for me. =\.

plotting lights was generally okay i guess, even though i still think my designing skills arent all there yet. To a certain extent i guess the equipment/location of equipment could be blamed, but im still not creative enough.

juniors are relatively enthu, i should think? even though numbers are really really small. or maybe everyone's busy? Rehearsals today was very inefficient. i feel. though these things generally are. But because of that i have another rehearsal on monday. ><. i need to MUG!! i am so so so dead i havent started studying. i told myself id start tomorrow- i mean today, saturday. and complete whatever i can.

okay im falling asleep at the com now. prolly means im tired and should go to bed. ahhh i phail.

i hate it when people are just satisfied with doing what others require of them. doing just the bare minimum. it makes it seem like a duty, a job. to just do what is needed and that's it. what's wrong with giving it your all even though it wasn't requested? where's the fun in life then? where's the fun in anything?

i am sad.

and now this. i'm really disappointed in you. even though i've mentioned this before but i feel like saying it again. where's your initiative in anything? i'm just doing everything and you're not asking anything about whether you should help or not. are you just taking in for granted? i don't see your passion in this at all. actually come to think of it i guess you really don't have the passion in it. when i'm sick i still turn up. when you're sick you're just not there. i'm not saying that you shouldn't rest or anything but hey. EVERYONE is sick now. and they're still around. are you in it for the portfolio? because if that's the case it would be really sad. i feel like i'm doing a one man show. i don't even know what they see me as.

of course you wouldn't see this. this is just an outlet. of course i will try my utmost to work with you. for the greater good and all. because i want to succeed.

blocks are phail.

because this is the first time someone has actually written about me;
http://yzone.omy.sg/index.php?articleID=11853&option=com_article&task=detail&cid=143&type=

gengen look. haha. xD. isnt this like eons ago lol.

xD.

( IMBA us )

will be away in miri, sarawak from 12-17 dec. sms/call at your own risk. though ill prolly switch my phone off at times. will be back on 18 for 戏剧营 with my jello and lightslesson. (:

shall go pack now whee-.

the past two weeks have been going to school almost every day for hc. heh. first postcard shoots. which are really really long and arduous. haha. including prep of the props and stuff. prolly going to have to happen again, but the experience is fun and cool. really goes to show how much time and effort has to go into one single little item. then 技术 stuff and now prep for 戏剧营, lots of things to do. the seniors really werent kidding when they said whole dec hols = hc. haha.

anyway. id rather be busy than slack and nuah around at home. as all the post O and A level people i know are. having nothing to do is really not good. hmm.

lights! coming full swing. okay not really. but planning lesson is a headache now with no drama centre. only lt3. YES LT3. how to teach lights grr. nevermind ill find a way. :D

band concert tomorrow! jiayou amanda <3. and lien too though you prolly wont read this haha.(:



and tachycardia is scary. very. ><.